Stressed - Who me?

At the beginning of February we will be moving into a new house, our own house and we are in the very fortunate position to be able to decorate it or at least partially, before we move in.

 Anyone ever tried to remove 40 year old wallpaper? not the easiest of tasks. I helped with the bottom half of the walls but the dust and dirt played havoc with my breathing so I was banished to removing banisters and general odd jobs, did manage to operate a power drill without damaging myself or the house which is pretty impressive for me.
I do worry though because there is so much to do, that needs to be done before we move in and I just don't have the energy, ability or strength to do most of it, I mean I can't even go up a ladder in case I break it. Then there is that fact that so much needs paying for which we simply can't afford, like plastering the walls, laying floor boards essential stuff really, not great for someone who is supposed to be avoiding stress.


ta ta for now x

Must.Stay,Awake

Ever had that feeling when you know you are getting sick and your just waiting for it to materalise into full blown illness, I've had this all week and today the sleepies are setting in along with the feeling sick as a dog and feeling like i'm on fire.

My shakes arrive today as well as a parcel for Mr Shrink so I have to stay awake and I have to answer the door. This mundane task is something most people can manage without even thinking about but I don't answer the door or the phone, it makes me panic.

My course officially starts tomorrow, I have the doctor calling on Tuesday to decide whether I'm going back to work, I guess I have too really as people are leaving but I'm not sure how i'm going to manage it. My little puppy dog who has been my little gaurd these past few weeks is having his bits done on Tuesday so I'm worrying about him.

It's odd whilst writing this I've nodded off twice, sat up right with a laptop cooking my leg, got no idea why i'm so tired,

A change or a glimmer

I'm not sure whether this is a turning point or just a glimmer of clarity in my darkness but today I feel like I have to do something about me. My sicknote runs out in exactly 2 weeks, the other full time lady leaves in just over 2 weeks. Hubby has taken so much time off with me in the last few weeks and I know when he's at work he constantly worries about what he's going to find when I get home.

Although I don't imagine losing weight will miraculosly solve all of my issues it would at least elliminate one of them and then maybe I might be able to figure out what the real problems are because other then being fat and not having babies, I haven't got a freaking clue.

I need a plan.

Tick Tock

As you might me able to tell from the time of this post - I'm not sleeping again, in fact I haven't really slept since my sleeping pills ran out. I tried calms but they do nothing for me.

Things aren't really any better, if anything things are worse, I'm cutting more, I cry more, I'm comfort eating, I'm not leaving the house - it's all getting a bit much. I'm obviously not hiding it as well as I thought because Mr Shrink has taken another few days off work to keep an eye on me.

I didn't want to go to weigh in so we skipped it, cousin shrink has already called it quits and I think I shall be doing the same, I think i'm done for the time being at least. I might go back on my shakes and see how I go, they're not easy but I find not having to think about food somewhat liberating, not sure if it would easier or harder being home all day though.

Anyway thats all, more moaning, sorry x

an update

Sorry it's been a while things are progressing I guess you could say.

I met my new Doctor on Wednesday which to be honest was a bit of a strange experience for me, despite never meeting her before she had read my background, she had spoken to the duty doctor who saw me last week, it was nice. As lovely as my last dr was you had to go over all your history and remind him what he'd done last time. Anyway after talking to her a little about what the last week had been like she signed me off for 4 weeks, she told Mr Shrink that I have to be taken out the house at least once a day and that I'm not allowed to shut myself away, which he admitted I have been doing. I've been referred to talk to someone but that's a 12 week waiting list, the only bad thing is she didn't give me anymore sleeping pills so the last 2 nights I haven't slept well, I keep having nightmares when I do eventually fall asleep.

So In the name of leaving the house we did go to weigh in yesterday I stayed the same and Mr Shrink lost 1.5lb, I'm quite happy with my sts because I've barely moved all week and been comfort eating a fair bit.

My course materials arrived for both my courses, I'm a bit worried about how I'm going to manage them to be honest but I'll give it a good go, I have emailed the uni to let them no whats going on and I'm just waiting to hear back to see if they have any advice. I think they might ask me to drop a course but we shall see.

I don't no how I feel about this blog anymore, it doesn't feel like mine - does that make sense? probably not. It won't let me decorate it which is irritating and the reason its boring white and well lets face it all I do is moan.

Ho hum

Mrs Shrink aka The Zombie

A brief blog brought to you by the wonder of Apple!! (App on iPhone)  my lapto has decided to start cooking my leg and Mr Shrink is nosey!!

I have been out a few times today albeit  breifly first was a trip to The Range for stationary which was a bit fruitless other then a pencil case and pens which isn't what I needed!

Second trip was to the in laws which was a mistake because I knew she'd talk about work and tell me something that would set me off again, which she did so by the time I got home I was a nervous wreck and that's how I've stayed! If what she's been told is true then I have I idea if ill ever be able to go back! No one for the office had contacted me to see if I'm ok :(

I ventured out once more for weigh in and we timed it right so now waiting, mr shrink gained which he's quite upset about but it's his first gain and he didn't think he'd been too bad! I lost 1.5lb despite the cast amount of comfort food but I guess that's the stress affect

I don't like this new med combo one or other or both is making my a zombie my reactions feel sluggish, I struggle to keep up in convos, my attention span is gone, I trip over my words. The thing is I don't feel any better, I still feel like jumping of a bridge or something - dramatic I no but this is what's in my head all the time!! 

Now that ive ruined you good mood guess I should get ready for another drug induced semi nights sleep!"

In the words of 'The Verve'.......

'The drugs don't work'  - My body and mind is that best up even sleeping tablets are able to quiet my brain down enough to sleep however they do just enough to have made be a bit zombieish today, keep phasing out.

I've been out twice today this morning just for a drive and the second to see cousin shrink as with work hours I've not seen her in weeks. I have to try and get out every day because last time I had a breakdown I became a recluse and didn't leave me house for a loooooooooooooooooog time, I don't want that to happen again. I am getting a bit panicy when Mr Shrink isn't around :(

Could set a new record for comfort eating, cream cakes and bread are the main ones at the moment, I always feel bad afterwards though, don't no why I do it to myself. Same as the emails really, I no I shouldn't check them but I have been, just the subjects really but everytime I do I just get this sense of dread and panic, Mr shrink keeps threatening to take my computer away. :(

On the good news front my course material should arrive next week, less then a month before they start but I am worried I'm taking too much on by studying 2,

I'll stop rabbiting now, thank you for all the messages xx

Breaking Point.

Something had to give and that turned out to be me, last night I had what can only be described as a breakdown on my kitchen floor, I don't no how long I was there before hubby found me but he eventually calmed me down and put me to bed. This morning I insisted he drove me to work and that I'd manage but I was in tears by the time I was through the door, thankfully I'm an early bird and always the first one in our office and luckily the 2 people in the place I trust and know what's going on there where in, so after speaking or at least trying to speak to them, Mr shrink was called to come take me home. On the way home I asked to be taken straight to the doctors to see the duty team and the receptionist took one look at the state of me she booked me straight in with the doctor bypassing all the usual nurses and what not you have to see, took about 3 hours though as it was very busy. She was lovely and apologised she couldn't do more for me but being the duty team they have to get people in and out, which I totally get but she did increase my meds, gave me some sleeping pills and signed me off for a week and booked me a normal appointment with another female doctor for a weeks time so everything can be addressed properly.

Luckily Mr Shrink is off work this week and is now watching me like a hawk and wrapping me in cotton wool, he's taken my work email off my phone and forbidden me from checking it. He's worried about me, I would tell him not to and that i'm ok but I don't think even I believe that any more.

Pointless Post

The last few weeks at work have been pretty tense and it has become increasing clear that the ladies I work with really don't like me anymore. At first I thought I could be imagining it or at least being over sensitive but yesterday I actually walked in when they were slagging me off, on the plus side at least i'm not imaging it.

Since coming home from work I've been comfort eating the worry away - it hasn't helped!! The trouble with me, well one of the troubles with me is that I worry constantly to the point where I no that on Monday morning I will be an anxious emotional mess.

This blog post is a bit pointless, I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

Group Dramas & Dodging Bullets

I actually got out of work in daylight today - 5pm no less. So I rallied the troops and decided to be a good girl and weigh in as I won't make it to my group tomorrow, even though I really don't like the consultant at tonights one. My good intentions backfired though when I was informed I owned back fees and could either restart for £10 or keep my history and pay £15, I really didn't no what was going on and to be perfectly honest I was to tired to care but I didn't want to lose my history even though I was expecting enough to put me back to the start anyway.

After that drama and holding up the queue - mortifying.  The scales were kind but the lady weighing was not!! The lady said I'd stayed the same but the scales were 1/2lb down by this point I just wanted to get the hell out of there and I wasn't going to quibble with 1/2lb. I am VERY please as I was expecting at least 7lb gain, maybe more but as Mr Shrink pointed out, I'm so stressed at the moment that I don't eat a lot, its just what I'm eating in junk. Speaking of Mr Shrink he lost ANOTHER 2.5lbs getting his 2 stone award, although they refused to give him a sticker or certificate, not sure if that's normal practice but I'd be pretty peeved, didn't think going to a different group would be quite so traumatic. 

As you can see from the time my sleep pattern has gone haywire again, about 3hours sleep last night and about 4 hours sleep tonight and we've been warned we could be at work until midnight tonight. I really need to get back on plan but I need to get organised with it, just not sure how to.

inclinations

This post is either ridiculously early or stupidly late depends on your inclination! All I know is that I'm ridiculously, stupidly exhausted!! 

Alfie, eBay and not that diet friendly ready brek!! 10 mins later 

 
 "Rub my belly mum I'm sleepy"

I have tried to sleep but I have such a headache I just can't drift off and I have to get up in an hour!! Thankfully I have s bijillion Family Guy and American Dad reruns to play in the background!

I'm abandoning this post for now asy head is screaming,

A Me Day

In a rare move for me It's turned into a bit of a pampering weekend, being 23 stone odd my usual opinion is a bit like 'what's the point' but seeing as from Friday I'll be having weekly contact with a group of 16 to 18 year olds on a weekly basis, I figured I really did need to start putting the effort into the way I look. The trip into town was supposed to be for Mr Shrink I ended up getting more for me then he did for him.

At the end of the shopping trip I had my eyebrows threaded - OUCH!!!!! Actually it didn't hurt at the time but 30 seconds after It was a bit sore.

Some amazingly pretty slippers - with the usual photobomb from the little man.

 
Pretty necklace courtesy of Mr Shrink -  not my usual style - not that I have a usual style but It appealed to me.

 a pretty bracelet and a blue version for my work friend.

errrr a very non diet friendly trip into Thorntons, not all mine I add - the pistachio chocolate was and it was devine!!

As I'm trying to change everything about me and hair colour is the easiest way and with all the stresses at work recently, my hair has started to fall out again, it happened a few years ago just before my first nervous breakdown, I also spent at least 30 mins everyday this week locked in the toilet sobbing for one reason or anther so I no that I'm on thin ice with my mental health but I don't no how to fix it.

I spent the afternoon working as everything kicks off early tomorrow and I won't have enough time to get everything that needs to be done done - but I got to do it on my lovely new computer.

Bit of Harley there, my geek side glowing bright and almost proud - Damn the Geeky Mr Shrink for corrupting me!

The craziness of 15 hour days begins again tomorrow and I'm easily going to have enough hours to have a whole week off and as our 4th wedding anniversary is next month, I'm hoping to make it till then without a major meltdown.

Ebay - A Fat, Poor Girls Heaven

I really need to start looking more professional at work, not that there's a dress code but I feel such a scruff and am currently rotating 3 outfits during the week.  Obviously fat girls must be punished for being fat with poorly made, overpriced clothes and with money tight this month I decided to check out Ebay and see what was on offer on a Saturday night, Lots as It turned out.

 So the above I got for £5.99 but its about 3 sizes to small - I'm using it as my target rather than a weight.

Wrap around dress - £6.99

 Skirt - £2.20

 top - £7.01

Hmm I never really thought I had a particular style but looking at those, I guess I'd go with Floral.

and because I'm having a pretty tough time at the moment I treated myself to this Gorjuss bag and a new diary.

I love santoros - gorjuss theres something about the art that I love, prehaps the fact no one has emotions it speaks to me.

I haven't done much today, work was a 15hour day yesterday, I didn't get home till after 10pm. I had a reletively successful driving lesson and it was agreed I needed to rebook my test for next month as with the lack of lessons recently I'm not ready. 

Tomorrow will involve following Mr Shrink round the shops so he can get some more clothes as his are now getting too big. I am very proud of him, he's doing great BUT I'm also very irritated that he's found it so easy while I'm still struggling and getting no where.

Anyone seen my Mojo?

because I have well and truely lost it!

batch cooking wasn't very successful - actually the weetabix cake was devine but I ate the whole thing in a day. I made quiche with a cous cous base which was weird, Lasagne with blended mac cheese as sauce which was vile and a pasta bake that was ruined because I didn't cook the pasta first.

I didn't make it to weigh in, after spending the morning cooking by the afternoon I felt poorly again so never made it out the house. I'm not sleeping again and so far this week at work I've done about 14 hours yesterday and another 13 hours today with a grand total of 20 minutes away from my computer all day. I've done about 25 hours overtime in a week so far and I've got another week or 2 of this yet. I'm running on diet coke and various sugary crap that is floating around the office, not a great combo and I really wish I liked coffee more at times like these, would make the days easier.

I probably shouldn't confess this but I just want to jack it in (not that i'm particularly doing it at the mo) I've tried to increase my superfree but in reality all that's happening is i'm going off the stuff I can eat, so i'm eating less than ever. I'm just really sick of feeling like a failure.

Right I'm going for a shower and then to bed to try and get a little sleep, I'm slightly optimistic that I feel so exhausted I could sleep all night but only time will tell.

Oh I've rediscovered my twitter account so If anyone gets a random tweet from x_Nicki_x that would be me :D

AWOL

Time flies when your under work arrest!

I could blame my lack of posts on work but it would only be a half truth. I have fallen off the wagon in spectacular fashion last week I had a gain of 4 1/2lbs and this week I didn't go to weigh in as I was at work. Mr Shrink is still going strong getting another 3 1/2lbs off this week

So since my last post my insomnia has reared its ugly head and it's rolled around to works busiest time of year, so my days have been between 12-13hrs constantly staring at a computer screen on 3 or 4 hours sleep which probably why by the weekend I am full of cold and generally run down. Last night I did sleep for 11 straight hours but the real test will be if I sleep tonight. Next weeks hours will be longer probably up to 15hours on a good day which is hard but work do tend to provide food (takeaways) and lots of sugary foods so not the easiest time to stick to a diet especially when your already struggling.

I'm going to try and batch cook enough food to make it through the days so I'm less tempted by the badies but knowing how brutal this week is going to be I'm not going to beat myself up about it too much.

I thought i'd miss weigh in again this week but seeing as its bank holiday I'm going to go to a different group and weigh in tomorrow and then I have until next Thursday to undo all the damage I've done since my stone award.

Losing and Gaining

Wow some serious blog neglect going on - I'd like to say its been a busy week but it hasn't really, have had a few gains this week

 A new desk - Bargain find on gumtree and perfect for the new computer I should be getting this month and a huge amount of space for studying.  I also gained this little beauty

 We weighed in a day early as I went to dinner and a movie with a friend on Thursday, don't ask me how but I managed to lose 5lbs this week and got my stone award :) Actually I was on plan for 5 days out the 7 which is pretty good going really. I'm still comforting eating for England so I'm hoping just to maintain this week. Mr shrink lost another 1.5lbs and cousin shrink gained 4.5lbs but it wasn't much of a suprise due to family staying with her and totm for the first time in 2 years.

Last but not least I gained 1 more massive thing.......

That is Esmerelda - MY CAR :) I picked her up today! I drove her all the way home which is about 10 miles and then took her along the beach this evening. The plan is to do some driving everyday with Mr Shrink along for the ride and hopefully build my confidence up enough to actually pass my test which is in 4 short weeks. I've already prettified her with a pink bobble flower and purchased some lovely pink decals to girlie her up, the radio doesn't work but the CD player does not that I have many CDs luckily I have an Iphone might need to make a driving playlist.

Practise makes perfect!

Stationary Habit.

The is nothing like a bit of stationary shopping to cheer a girl up, well cheer this girl up.

Actually that's pretty tame for me but as I haven't got the office set up yet and my courses don't start until end of September I thought it's best not to go too mad. My work desk is better stocked then the actaully college stationary cupboard,  A lovely lady on the facebook group for the Maths course pointed me in the direction to some sample modules which will help get me started. I also have to books winging there way to me from Amazon they old Open Uni books but they are fab for those who haven't had much experience in maths recently or so I'm told. I no its extra work but I want to do do everything I can to succeed this time, this will be my 3rd attempt at an OU course albeit completely different courses and this is a subject that I love (computing) but i'm worried I'll probably end up sucking and then I'll have nothing I'm good at.

I've cooked a fair bit today I made SW Jelly sweets which to be fair was like eating squares of Jelly and I can't work out if that's how they are supposed to be or if I did something wrong having said that they are very nice and although I'm not a fan of Jelly its nice to have something to pick at in the fridge. I made chicken Korma for tea and after the last disastrous attempt I just bit the bullet and syned the coconut milk in the end it was 4 syns a portion but at least it was nice!! The other thing I created was rice pudding which I usually do in the slow cooker but it never turns out right and is always watery so I did it on the hobb, used a real vanilla pod and it turn out lush, it was supposed to be breakfast but I'm not sure it'll last that long. I used Blue diamond almond milk so the whole batch is a HexA or 6 syns, I'll syn it because I won't eat it all in one go

I feel weird today I don't no if I'm coming down with something but I don't feel right although I feel a but brighter which is the first time in a little while.

Radio Silence

It's been a funny week to the outside world It's been a significantly better week for me but I don't feel like its been a good week,

First things first - A big congratulations to Mr Shrink who lost 3.5lbs this week making a total of 17lbs of in 5 weeks. I put on another 1lb my head has been totally out of the game.
Another big congratulations to my personal Slimming world Hero Karen at The Slimming World Files for getting her fantastic 9 Stone award.

On Tuesday I received this...........

Yup I passed my theory test and my practical is booked for about 6 weeks time......yikes.
Hmm what else happened this week....... well it was pay day which is always cause for celebration, It looks like work will loan me the money to buy a new computer for my course, a touch screen desk top no less. I'm still debating on taking the counselling course that runs at the college but I'm not sure I can mange that along with what is basically a full time degree this year. I could drop on of the courses till next year but It just adds another year on to qualify.

So on the topics of diet - well I've basically been not totally on plan for 2 weeks and I have gained 2lbs which if I'm honest is a blooming miracle. Yesterday I had a rather stern telling off from Cousin Shrink which is unusal for her because she knows tough love isn't always the best option with me, she didn't say anything that wasn't true but I just wish it was as easy to pull myself together as everyone thinks it should be.

Today I've been about 75% on plan, we were going the have a takeaway for tea but in the end I ended up making a bit of a a fakeaway

That is a wholemeal pitta (HexB) smothered in tomato puree and garlic italian herbs topped with mozzerella and new potato bbq wedges, I am suprised how yummy it was,  it was followed by one of these bad boys

Omg they are devine well the Daiquiri's are i'm not to keen on the others, I have no idea how many syns are in them but I bet its ALOT!! But all bad things are out of the house now, well apart from the doggy!

Tomorrow the slimming world friendly shop will arrive and I will be attempting to make SW KFC, Big Mac in a bowl and chicken korma at some point this week (are you picking up on a theme here)

tears, tears and more tears

It has been a terrible week and I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it completely.
The first major thing was the funeral which I thought I'd cope with but not so much, it bought back memories I buried long ago and it was painful to be in that room again saying goodbye to someone.
Then the next day I was told that despite the months of assurances and preparing - I didn't get the job. As it turns out despite them keeping it open just a short while they had a number of very experienced people apply and they simply couldn't pick me over them, i'm so gutted for once in my life I felt confident, confident I could do the job and confident I'd be damn good at it. I still really haven't got over it to be honest and now the thought of being stuck in my department with people that don't like me actually brings me to tears.

oh and I gained a 1lb this week.

I played the lottery but with my luck this week I think I wasted my money.

Good Day

Its been a productive and successful day and those are few and far between.

I didn't sleep great last night, there's only so many days you can sleep on a sofa before you just can't get comfy anymore, so I was awake by 6am which is just wrong on a Saturday if you don't work weekend. Mr Shrink went to work at 7am so I spent a couple of hours trying to find a new blog templete before my driving lesson without much luck, wish I could make my own but I haven't got a clue where to start.

Driving lesson was ok did better than before but I tend to panic if I make a mistake and them that makes it worse. But I did make a mistake and didn't panic towards the end so progress I hope. Fell asleep on the sofa for an hour which I shouldn't have done because I woke up with one of those nasty headaches from not sleeping enough. The afternoon was spent waiting for ASDA to deliver my shopping and searching for recipes. I wanted to make lasagne which I usually make with jarred sauce and the thickest, most delicious, fattening, home made cheese sauce. But I wanted to attempt to make the sauce myself and to add some veggies in there and decided as Mr Shrink can't eat lasagne (ever since he had a nasty case of gastro something or other as a kid) so I decided for tea we'd try spag bog and I'd assemble the lasagne and freeze it as little ready meals for myself.

 I added 2 HexA of cheese just in case we didn't like it much but I needed have worried, it was delicious and my first ever home made sauce, not bad for a veg hater.

 The gravy mince is for a shepards pie that I can assemble mid week and as Mr Shrink like the spag bog and I can't find a decent cheese sauce recipe I decided to freeze as is. Tomorrow I'm going to make another batch of sauces minus the meat because its actually a kids meatball recipe and I have some pork mince so want to try it with that. The only thing I found was it was a bit watery and when It was simmering it spat at me and gave me a lovely blister on my arm, only small but it blaady hurt!!!

 Pudding was a coconut and chocolate muller with a meringue nest.

I forgot to mention that on Thursday my cousin and long term diet (hopper) buddy joined our group, she's just had a baby and now has 2 under 2's and at nearly 18stone she's struggling. We pick her up on the way and drop her off so none of us has any excuse. We've been sending each other pics of our meals :) sad but true but actually Its really helping, she had Steak today which made me very jealous and a Mars icecream which made me even more Jealous. I still can't have anything to nice in the house because I binge, I'm struggling having Hifi bars around. But my theory is if I have an extra hifi its got to be better than a bar of chocolate or a (multibag) of wotsits. 

Drawing a line

Monday to Thursday was horrendous food wise sooooooooo
______________________________________________________

That's my line and I'm moving on! At weigh in yesterday I stayed the same which I am fine with I expected worse. Mr Shrink lost 2lbs but was very disappointed, he expected to lose as much as he had in the last 2 weeks, bless him you can tell he hasn't dieted before. At work in a school he found some old fashion scales and picked up 2lbs and decided he's quite please after all - That does mean he is beating me!!!!!

I have another driving lesson tomorrow morning which I'm dreading, Wednesdays one wasn't as bad as last Saturdays but its still not great and I am getting worse the more I drive. Everyone I've spoken too including my instructor thinks I'm thinking about it too much, so when I do it once I lose my ability to drive without thinking about it. I think I'm also putting to much pressure on myself because I no Ideally I have to pass by next month when my CBT runs out and I can no longer drive Dot (my moped) and my theory test is fast approaching

I got told yesterday that the lovely personnel lady at work had spoken to the interviews and got the to interview me Monday instead of the morning of the funeral on Tuesday and the is now no presentation which makes me feel a tiny bit better, not loads but a bit.

Been sleeping on the sofa all week, its just been so hot upstairs I can barely breath let alone sleep, good job my sofa is comfy and it does mean I get puppy dog cuddles, he is uber cute when he's sleepy. He seems to be doing a lot better so hopefully the medicine has done the trick for his tummy, although it was Bella- cat that was up the vets today she has fleas which she's allergic to and they think she has cystitis, thank goodness for pet insurance is all I can say.

I am now doing the only sensible thing - going to have a very cold shower and see if I can cool down enough to sleep tonight. 

Weekly round up

Wednesday
  The funeral is booked - for the day of my big interview! I spoke to the vice principle in charge of that area and explained things and he said it shouldn't be a problem to be first in so I'm out in time for the funeral. If they can't change it I'll have to withdraw my application which really sucks.My father in law has asked me to design the order of service for the funeral, no pressure there then, trying to please my lovely but opinionated and perfectionist mother in law, bless her.

Thursday
   Nothing exciting happened at work other than it is always to warm in our office, like sauna warm. Before weigh in I made the Nicki Special Sheppards pie this time it had onion, carrot broccali, califlower and celery and I blended it to baby food and then added the mince (there was more puree then mince) and I had to add a fair bit of gravy granules to get rid of the taste. I didn't really like it but I served it with beans and I couldn't really taste it. Put it in the oven and it was ready when we got back from group.
Weigh in was short and sweet, we were planning on staying but we had been moved to a different room with 3 walls of windows, it was a greenhouse and there was no way I was sitting in that for 60 minutes. I'm happy to report a 3lb off this week and not so happy to report that Mr Shrink lost 4.5lbs.

Friday
  Was at work before 7am, as I've not been sleeping I decided to go in early which means I was done by 2.30, I spent the rest of the afternoon shopping for clothes for the funeral. I hate shopping at the best of times but trying to find something black and suitable for a funeral in the middle of summer when you can only shop in about 3 places not fun, thankfully Evans to the rescue - found a nice dress, some leggings and some new shoes all of which can be worn for work. Thankfully for my bank balance Mr Shrink paid as I'm sure you no Evans isn't cheap. I then hit the debenhams online sale and found a little black bag and some jewellery.
  Spent the evening with my best friend and her husband, they are such fun but we don't see each other very often as life gets in the way. She introduced me to the best cocktails ever - Parrot Bag frozen cocktails they have Daquaris, Pina coladas and a minty one, you freeze them and once they're slushy - jug down so nice but no idea how many syns are in them, lots I imagine. I was naughty though after dinner I had cheese cake and then on the way home I had a Macdonalds.

Saturday
  Driving lesson first thing was a disaster - baring in mind in my first 2 4 hours of driving I've stall twice well this one I much have done it about 20 times and Kev was getting a tad frustrated with me. I don't no why I keep doing it, hopefully it was just a funny foot day.  The rest of the day was uneventful, planned our meals, did the shopping online, tried to keep to a normal temperature.
Dinner was wedges, beans and fried eggs followed by cookies and sweets. I don't no why I keep doing it, I just feel like I need it which is stupid because I no I don't although this weekend has been the first binge in over 2 weeks and considering they used to be daily i'm not doing too bad in the grand scheme of things.

Sunday
   Put the washing on, blitzed the front room (and boy was it messy) hovered downstairs and the stairs. Sorted upstairs, did more washing, hovered upstairs, shopping arrived (all slimming world friendly except a bar of 85% chocolate which is grim but thought might be best to have if i get desperate because I can't eat more then about 3 squares. For tea I made chicken korma and Pilau rice, rice was nice but the vanilla in the coconut muller light made the actual korma weird, not sure I'd have it again to be honest. Tomorrow I'm going to make spag bog for the first time ever, going to be interesting as the only time I have tomato is in lasagne when Its from a jar and smothered in cheese sauce.

I'm now going for a very cold shower to try and cool down.

RIP

My grandfather in law died today it wasn't much of shock we'd been told it was coming but you always wondered if he'd manage to pull through, he was such a fighter all his life and probably lived through most things that individually kill a lesser man and he did fight it until the very end. His children, my father in law and Aunt in law) were by his side and really that's the best we could ask for.

I left work straight away to be with the family no matter how much you expect it, its still a shock to be told he's actually gone, Mr Shrink who at the age of 32 hasn't had to deal with much death in his life took it quite badly. I had a few tears but not how I thought I'd be, I thought his death would knock all the barriers down I have built since my own grandmothers death but actually It made it easier to detach myself from it all and support the brothers, well apart from seeing the body - I forced myself to go in because I could here Mr Shrink crying but I wasn't prepared for what I saw, it was not a peaceful death, it will be a long time before I will get that out of my head.

Although the last years were tough for everyone trying to cope with the new (not so nice) person he'd become with he alzheimer's, we loved him and will miss him.

RIP Gramps,

Emotional Weekend

Since weigh day all hell has broken loose and I feel like i'm on some kind of emotional roller coaster

Friday - Got to work early and found a letter in the pigeon hole inviting me for an interview for the job I applied for, great news until I read the rest of the letter and promptly burst into tears. For my interview I have to prepare a presentation (subject currently unknown) in front of the head, deputy head, dept manager and maybe someone else and I know most of you will read this and be thinking ....and? For me its my personal hell, despite being coached by a manager in the area and the person i'd be working with I just no that I can't.

This got me thinking how things have changed for me in some ways - a few years ago after I lost my first baby, I had a complete breakdown, I barely left the house, I didn't sleep, I didn't socialise, I was basically a zombie. I don't no what changed but eventually I got a job and began to function again, I have had a few blips and I am still on medication but I'm ok usually. The one thing that never really recovered is my confidence, the ability to talk to people. I think on Monday I will decline the interview but then the thought of staying where I am is just as frightening so still considering options on that one.

On Saturday Mr Shrinks grandfather took a turn for the worse, he has a severe chest infection and they don't expect him to pull through, he's at home but he's confused and delirious.

with everything going on I'm doing my best to cling onto the plan, I've binged on all the hifi bars I had but as there is nothing else in the house thats been it, but I'm so close to going to the shop and buying everything in sight.

Weigh Day One

I like to be able to say I'm feeling better then a few days ago but I'm not, not yet anyway.

I have been 100% this week and that is the first time I've stuck to a plan for so long, I've avoided BBQ's, slushies, buffets and booze at work (end of term for most people) I've been to the shops and come away with nothing but fruit, I've bought fizzy and only had diet. These are little accomplishments but ones that I've not managed for a year probably more. I don't feel its been particularly hard this week its just required a bit of forward thinking which is much easier with Mr Shrink on board.

We decided today we would go to the early group and not stay because we're both shattered and I have a disgusting headache that I've had all day and just won't shift. So Mr Shrink lost 6lbs which is amazing and although he's not been 100% he's trying very hard. I lost 

8LBS

How amazing is that. My consultant saw my certificate as I went to leave and she was talking to a fairly big lady, who had never done slimming world before and like me isn't a fan of veggies. I assured her I stuck to fruit that I liked and wasn't hungry once this week. We were naughty and had a chinese for tea but I stuck to chow mein so all good.

I've got nothing much on the cards between now and next weigh day so hoping for another cracking week.

Pile it on!

It's only Tuesday and It's already a bad week with no indication of getting any better, so far it has been shitty literally and figuratively, doggy is poorly again so that was grim and the vets didn't have any of his medicine in stock so we have to wait a few days before we can start him on that.

 Diet wise I'm still on plan, I didn't get home until 6.30pm yesterday so Mr Shrink suggested a takeaway as I'm well below my syns for the week and had chicken chow mein and sweet and sour chicken and although I did go over my syns for the day (but not for the week) and I don't feel like I cheated because I didn't.

One good thing that happened yesterday is that I had my very first driving lesson yesterday and I was super nervous but actually it went great I drove for well over an hour and only stalled once, didn't crash and didn't injure anyone so i'm counting that as a win, next one is next week and then I'm hoping to step it up as I need to pass in the next 2 months before my CBT for the moped runs out. 

I don't feel great in myself work is getting me down, life is getting me down, just want to go to sleep for a long time.

Trying

Day two ended with me still on plan which is a pretty big thing with my recent history or diets and I did try some new superfree things not very successfully but at least I tried. So here is my first slimming world meal (that wasn't pasta)

  That is a warburtons mini square wrap pizza and a ham salad. I ate most of the salad but couldn't manage it all, it had raw sweetpeas in which I couldn't eat. I also tried
cherrys
pineapple
melon
strawberrys
blueberrys
kiwi
the only thing that I managed to eat were the cherrys, I liked the taste of the pineapple but I couldn't manage the texture so might revisit that later.

Saturdays Food

Banana x2
Apple x2
Grapes
Ham salad
Salad cream - 2 syns
Pizza - 4 syns and HexB (its not actually a healthy extra but i'm counting it as one)
Cherrys
Gammon
Eggs
wedges
beans
Ketchup - 1 syn

I also made rice pudding in my slow cooker but I had no sweetner so put sugar in it so need to work out the syns for it before I munch on it.

Other then that the weekend has been fairly crappy with Mr Shrink at work and nothing but this ubber cute doggy to keep me company.

New Beginnings on Old Paths

I have done most diets a few times over but never really stuck to any one thing for a prolonged period of time. I've rejoined my local slimming world so many times that now the consultant doesn't even bother giving me the new members talk. So deciding to rejoin for the bazillionth was a bit of a tug of war, even with Mr Shrink coming for moral support. To make it slightly easier we went to a new group with a new consultant with people I'd never met and I'm glad I did, there are more men including on the social team, the consultant was lovely and I'm 11lbs lighter than when I last joined so that is a bonus.

I started today but Mr Shrink is starting tomorrow as he is out for the night and we really didn't have much in the house until tomorrow when the Asda man delivers my goodies. I have ordered a lot of fruit and veg and I'm going to do my very best to eat all of it. Most of it is things I can hide in meals but some I will attempt to eat on its own, will be interesting.

Fridays Food

Banana x2
Apple x2
Mugshot
Pasta
Cheese x HexA
Activia Intensely Creamy, Peaches & Cream 2.5 syns

I haven't eaten much today but I don't feel very hungry, I've been drinking more today so maybe that's helped. I've also managed to have no full fat coke which is a bleeding miracle for me.

Long may it last

Asking to be selfish instead of just being selfish.

Bit of a back story Mr Shrink is also keen to lose a bit of weight, he is a fussy eater like me although he's tried 2 diets slimming world for about a day and calorie counting, where he did lose a stone but didn't eat much because he drinks a lot of full fat coke and eats nothing but freezer stuff and hates fresh fruit and veg. I have major food issues that basically involve me being physically sick if I attempt to eat something like veg or soup but I no if I have any hope of dieting successfully I need to get over this.

Yesterday I asked something of Mr Shrink that was completely selfish and it got me thinking because I have always considered myself a pretty unselfish person daily I go out of my way to put other peoples needs and wants before my own with the exception of my husband.
I asked him to join slimming world and do it properly knowing that he hated it the first time, I told him I needed him to get over his food issues to help me get over mine and I told him that If he didn't then I wouldn't. I can't do it on my own I can't sit there and watch while he eats sweets and crisps and crappy food while I'm desperately trying to cling onto one plan or another. We both need to lose weight and this is the most sensible way of doing it. Thankfully I am married to a wonderful man who agreed without much grumbling and even agreed that it will be good for both of us, he's a bit embarrassed about going to group but that's mainly because he thinks there are no men but the one down the road has a fair few.

Goodies

I'm doing my bit to keep Amazon in business this month by purchasing a few non essentials

The most exciting being this

I love animal crossing and when I found out they were doing another one, well I was getting it. Yes people I am a 28 year old women who loves a kids game enough to pre order it and make sure it arrived on the day of release. Bit of a change from Black ops 2.

Obviously with the above purchased I needed something to play it on

a Nintendo 3DS XL. I should point out that I had been wanting one of these before the new leaf was announced, that just kind of sealed the deal, I missed my old nintendo DS. I was a bit sceptical about the 3D function as I have poor vision and 3D doesn't work so well if your vision isn't perfect. But actually its quite good and there is a function where you can turn the 3D off which is what I do because I start seeing double if I use the 3D for too long. The size is amazing and the camera and pedometer function are really useful. To be honest I haven't tried all the bits on it yet because I've been preocciped with Rosa (my town in animal crossing)

Obviously its pink, like there is any other choice when it comes to me :) and lastly and in the same theme (diet and color)

A Brita fill and go, another item I've been umming and arring about for months, seeing as it was on sale and it came with filters I thought it would be a good time. It feels bigger then I thought it would, although its 600ml I think because its not squeezy it feels bigger. The spring loaded lid feels like it won't last long but maybe that is just my pessimistic nature breaking through. I am very fussy with water (I no shocking right) I don't like straight from the tap water, we have the hardest water in the country, but I used it with this and it was fine. The filters need to be changed every 20ltrs filtered which isn't an awful lot considering you're supposed to be drinking 2ltrs or more a day and at almost £10 for 8 filters it could be quite an expensive habit but I suppose it is cheaper and eco-friendly then bottled water.

So overall I'm quite pleased with my goodies, the bank balance not so much :)

Same old, Brand new me.

How do you go about losing half of yourself, more than half actually, I need to lose 14 stone that's an over weight person!! That is a lot of pressure on a girl who can't stay more than a week on a plan and have basically been on one diet or another since she was 13.

So how did I get here?? From an early age I used food as comfort and became a very fussy eater and quickly fell into the vicious cycle of diet for a few weeks, binge, give up, leave it for a few weeks, start again. Now I can honestly say I don't have a life, I exist and it is not a pleasant existence.