Must.Stay,Awake

Ever had that feeling when you know you are getting sick and your just waiting for it to materalise into full blown illness, I've had this all week and today the sleepies are setting in along with the feeling sick as a dog and feeling like i'm on fire.

My shakes arrive today as well as a parcel for Mr Shrink so I have to stay awake and I have to answer the door. This mundane task is something most people can manage without even thinking about but I don't answer the door or the phone, it makes me panic.

My course officially starts tomorrow, I have the doctor calling on Tuesday to decide whether I'm going back to work, I guess I have too really as people are leaving but I'm not sure how i'm going to manage it. My little puppy dog who has been my little gaurd these past few weeks is having his bits done on Tuesday so I'm worrying about him.

It's odd whilst writing this I've nodded off twice, sat up right with a laptop cooking my leg, got no idea why i'm so tired,

A change or a glimmer

I'm not sure whether this is a turning point or just a glimmer of clarity in my darkness but today I feel like I have to do something about me. My sicknote runs out in exactly 2 weeks, the other full time lady leaves in just over 2 weeks. Hubby has taken so much time off with me in the last few weeks and I know when he's at work he constantly worries about what he's going to find when I get home.

Although I don't imagine losing weight will miraculosly solve all of my issues it would at least elliminate one of them and then maybe I might be able to figure out what the real problems are because other then being fat and not having babies, I haven't got a freaking clue.

I need a plan.

Tick Tock

As you might me able to tell from the time of this post - I'm not sleeping again, in fact I haven't really slept since my sleeping pills ran out. I tried calms but they do nothing for me.

Things aren't really any better, if anything things are worse, I'm cutting more, I cry more, I'm comfort eating, I'm not leaving the house - it's all getting a bit much. I'm obviously not hiding it as well as I thought because Mr Shrink has taken another few days off work to keep an eye on me.

I didn't want to go to weigh in so we skipped it, cousin shrink has already called it quits and I think I shall be doing the same, I think i'm done for the time being at least. I might go back on my shakes and see how I go, they're not easy but I find not having to think about food somewhat liberating, not sure if it would easier or harder being home all day though.

Anyway thats all, more moaning, sorry x

an update

Sorry it's been a while things are progressing I guess you could say.

I met my new Doctor on Wednesday which to be honest was a bit of a strange experience for me, despite never meeting her before she had read my background, she had spoken to the duty doctor who saw me last week, it was nice. As lovely as my last dr was you had to go over all your history and remind him what he'd done last time. Anyway after talking to her a little about what the last week had been like she signed me off for 4 weeks, she told Mr Shrink that I have to be taken out the house at least once a day and that I'm not allowed to shut myself away, which he admitted I have been doing. I've been referred to talk to someone but that's a 12 week waiting list, the only bad thing is she didn't give me anymore sleeping pills so the last 2 nights I haven't slept well, I keep having nightmares when I do eventually fall asleep.

So In the name of leaving the house we did go to weigh in yesterday I stayed the same and Mr Shrink lost 1.5lb, I'm quite happy with my sts because I've barely moved all week and been comfort eating a fair bit.

My course materials arrived for both my courses, I'm a bit worried about how I'm going to manage them to be honest but I'll give it a good go, I have emailed the uni to let them no whats going on and I'm just waiting to hear back to see if they have any advice. I think they might ask me to drop a course but we shall see.

I don't no how I feel about this blog anymore, it doesn't feel like mine - does that make sense? probably not. It won't let me decorate it which is irritating and the reason its boring white and well lets face it all I do is moan.

Ho hum

Mrs Shrink aka The Zombie

A brief blog brought to you by the wonder of Apple!! (App on iPhone)  my lapto has decided to start cooking my leg and Mr Shrink is nosey!!

I have been out a few times today albeit  breifly first was a trip to The Range for stationary which was a bit fruitless other then a pencil case and pens which isn't what I needed!

Second trip was to the in laws which was a mistake because I knew she'd talk about work and tell me something that would set me off again, which she did so by the time I got home I was a nervous wreck and that's how I've stayed! If what she's been told is true then I have I idea if ill ever be able to go back! No one for the office had contacted me to see if I'm ok :(

I ventured out once more for weigh in and we timed it right so now waiting, mr shrink gained which he's quite upset about but it's his first gain and he didn't think he'd been too bad! I lost 1.5lb despite the cast amount of comfort food but I guess that's the stress affect

I don't like this new med combo one or other or both is making my a zombie my reactions feel sluggish, I struggle to keep up in convos, my attention span is gone, I trip over my words. The thing is I don't feel any better, I still feel like jumping of a bridge or something - dramatic I no but this is what's in my head all the time!! 

Now that ive ruined you good mood guess I should get ready for another drug induced semi nights sleep!"

In the words of 'The Verve'.......

'The drugs don't work'  - My body and mind is that best up even sleeping tablets are able to quiet my brain down enough to sleep however they do just enough to have made be a bit zombieish today, keep phasing out.

I've been out twice today this morning just for a drive and the second to see cousin shrink as with work hours I've not seen her in weeks. I have to try and get out every day because last time I had a breakdown I became a recluse and didn't leave me house for a loooooooooooooooooog time, I don't want that to happen again. I am getting a bit panicy when Mr Shrink isn't around :(

Could set a new record for comfort eating, cream cakes and bread are the main ones at the moment, I always feel bad afterwards though, don't no why I do it to myself. Same as the emails really, I no I shouldn't check them but I have been, just the subjects really but everytime I do I just get this sense of dread and panic, Mr shrink keeps threatening to take my computer away. :(

On the good news front my course material should arrive next week, less then a month before they start but I am worried I'm taking too much on by studying 2,

I'll stop rabbiting now, thank you for all the messages xx

Breaking Point.

Something had to give and that turned out to be me, last night I had what can only be described as a breakdown on my kitchen floor, I don't no how long I was there before hubby found me but he eventually calmed me down and put me to bed. This morning I insisted he drove me to work and that I'd manage but I was in tears by the time I was through the door, thankfully I'm an early bird and always the first one in our office and luckily the 2 people in the place I trust and know what's going on there where in, so after speaking or at least trying to speak to them, Mr shrink was called to come take me home. On the way home I asked to be taken straight to the doctors to see the duty team and the receptionist took one look at the state of me she booked me straight in with the doctor bypassing all the usual nurses and what not you have to see, took about 3 hours though as it was very busy. She was lovely and apologised she couldn't do more for me but being the duty team they have to get people in and out, which I totally get but she did increase my meds, gave me some sleeping pills and signed me off for a week and booked me a normal appointment with another female doctor for a weeks time so everything can be addressed properly.

Luckily Mr Shrink is off work this week and is now watching me like a hawk and wrapping me in cotton wool, he's taken my work email off my phone and forbidden me from checking it. He's worried about me, I would tell him not to and that i'm ok but I don't think even I believe that any more.

Pointless Post

The last few weeks at work have been pretty tense and it has become increasing clear that the ladies I work with really don't like me anymore. At first I thought I could be imagining it or at least being over sensitive but yesterday I actually walked in when they were slagging me off, on the plus side at least i'm not imaging it.

Since coming home from work I've been comfort eating the worry away - it hasn't helped!! The trouble with me, well one of the troubles with me is that I worry constantly to the point where I no that on Monday morning I will be an anxious emotional mess.

This blog post is a bit pointless, I just wanted to get it off my chest really.

Group Dramas & Dodging Bullets

I actually got out of work in daylight today - 5pm no less. So I rallied the troops and decided to be a good girl and weigh in as I won't make it to my group tomorrow, even though I really don't like the consultant at tonights one. My good intentions backfired though when I was informed I owned back fees and could either restart for £10 or keep my history and pay £15, I really didn't no what was going on and to be perfectly honest I was to tired to care but I didn't want to lose my history even though I was expecting enough to put me back to the start anyway.

After that drama and holding up the queue - mortifying.  The scales were kind but the lady weighing was not!! The lady said I'd stayed the same but the scales were 1/2lb down by this point I just wanted to get the hell out of there and I wasn't going to quibble with 1/2lb. I am VERY please as I was expecting at least 7lb gain, maybe more but as Mr Shrink pointed out, I'm so stressed at the moment that I don't eat a lot, its just what I'm eating in junk. Speaking of Mr Shrink he lost ANOTHER 2.5lbs getting his 2 stone award, although they refused to give him a sticker or certificate, not sure if that's normal practice but I'd be pretty peeved, didn't think going to a different group would be quite so traumatic. 

As you can see from the time my sleep pattern has gone haywire again, about 3hours sleep last night and about 4 hours sleep tonight and we've been warned we could be at work until midnight tonight. I really need to get back on plan but I need to get organised with it, just not sure how to.

inclinations

This post is either ridiculously early or stupidly late depends on your inclination! All I know is that I'm ridiculously, stupidly exhausted!! 

Alfie, eBay and not that diet friendly ready brek!! 10 mins later 

 
 "Rub my belly mum I'm sleepy"

I have tried to sleep but I have such a headache I just can't drift off and I have to get up in an hour!! Thankfully I have s bijillion Family Guy and American Dad reruns to play in the background!

I'm abandoning this post for now asy head is screaming,