It has been a terrible week and I feel like I'm on the edge of losing it completely.
The first major thing was the funeral which I thought I'd cope with but not so much, it bought back memories I buried long ago and it was painful to be in that room again saying goodbye to someone.
Then the next day I was told that despite the months of assurances and preparing - I didn't get the job. As it turns out despite them keeping it open just a short while they had a number of very experienced people apply and they simply couldn't pick me over them, i'm so gutted for once in my life I felt confident, confident I could do the job and confident I'd be damn good at it. I still really haven't got over it to be honest and now the thought of being stuck in my department with people that don't like me actually brings me to tears.
oh and I gained a 1lb this week.
I played the lottery but with my luck this week I think I wasted my money.
Friday, 26 July 2013
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Good Day
Its been a productive and successful day and those are few and far between.
I didn't sleep great last night, there's only so many days you can sleep on a sofa before you just can't get comfy anymore, so I was awake by 6am which is just wrong on a Saturday if you don't work weekend. Mr Shrink went to work at 7am so I spent a couple of hours trying to find a new blog templete before my driving lesson without much luck, wish I could make my own but I haven't got a clue where to start.
Driving lesson was ok did better than before but I tend to panic if I make a mistake and them that makes it worse. But I did make a mistake and didn't panic towards the end so progress I hope. Fell asleep on the sofa for an hour which I shouldn't have done because I woke up with one of those nasty headaches from not sleeping enough. The afternoon was spent waiting for ASDA to deliver my shopping and searching for recipes. I wanted to make lasagne which I usually make with jarred sauce and the thickest, most delicious, fattening, home made cheese sauce. But I wanted to attempt to make the sauce myself and to add some veggies in there and decided as Mr Shrink can't eat lasagne (ever since he had a nasty case of gastro something or other as a kid) so I decided for tea we'd try spag bog and I'd assemble the lasagne and freeze it as little ready meals for myself.
I added 2 HexA of cheese just in case we didn't like it much but I needed have worried, it was delicious and my first ever home made sauce, not bad for a veg hater.
The gravy mince is for a shepards pie that I can assemble mid week and as Mr Shrink like the spag bog and I can't find a decent cheese sauce recipe I decided to freeze as is. Tomorrow I'm going to make another batch of sauces minus the meat because its actually a kids meatball recipe and I have some pork mince so want to try it with that. The only thing I found was it was a bit watery and when It was simmering it spat at me and gave me a lovely blister on my arm, only small but it blaady hurt!!!
Pudding was a coconut and chocolate muller with a meringue nest.
I forgot to mention that on Thursday my cousin and long term diet (hopper) buddy joined our group, she's just had a baby and now has 2 under 2's and at nearly 18stone she's struggling. We pick her up on the way and drop her off so none of us has any excuse. We've been sending each other pics of our meals :) sad but true but actually Its really helping, she had Steak today which made me very jealous and a Mars icecream which made me even more Jealous. I still can't have anything to nice in the house because I binge, I'm struggling having Hifi bars around. But my theory is if I have an extra hifi its got to be better than a bar of chocolate or a (multibag) of wotsits.
I didn't sleep great last night, there's only so many days you can sleep on a sofa before you just can't get comfy anymore, so I was awake by 6am which is just wrong on a Saturday if you don't work weekend. Mr Shrink went to work at 7am so I spent a couple of hours trying to find a new blog templete before my driving lesson without much luck, wish I could make my own but I haven't got a clue where to start.
Driving lesson was ok did better than before but I tend to panic if I make a mistake and them that makes it worse. But I did make a mistake and didn't panic towards the end so progress I hope. Fell asleep on the sofa for an hour which I shouldn't have done because I woke up with one of those nasty headaches from not sleeping enough. The afternoon was spent waiting for ASDA to deliver my shopping and searching for recipes. I wanted to make lasagne which I usually make with jarred sauce and the thickest, most delicious, fattening, home made cheese sauce. But I wanted to attempt to make the sauce myself and to add some veggies in there and decided as Mr Shrink can't eat lasagne (ever since he had a nasty case of gastro something or other as a kid) so I decided for tea we'd try spag bog and I'd assemble the lasagne and freeze it as little ready meals for myself.
I forgot to mention that on Thursday my cousin and long term diet (hopper) buddy joined our group, she's just had a baby and now has 2 under 2's and at nearly 18stone she's struggling. We pick her up on the way and drop her off so none of us has any excuse. We've been sending each other pics of our meals :) sad but true but actually Its really helping, she had Steak today which made me very jealous and a Mars icecream which made me even more Jealous. I still can't have anything to nice in the house because I binge, I'm struggling having Hifi bars around. But my theory is if I have an extra hifi its got to be better than a bar of chocolate or a (multibag) of wotsits.
Friday, 19 July 2013
Drawing a line
Monday to Thursday was horrendous food wise sooooooooo
______________________________________________________
That's my line and I'm moving on! At weigh in yesterday I stayed the same which I am fine with I expected worse. Mr Shrink lost 2lbs but was very disappointed, he expected to lose as much as he had in the last 2 weeks, bless him you can tell he hasn't dieted before. At work in a school he found some old fashion scales and picked up 2lbs and decided he's quite please after all - That does mean he is beating me!!!!!
I have another driving lesson tomorrow morning which I'm dreading, Wednesdays one wasn't as bad as last Saturdays but its still not great and I am getting worse the more I drive. Everyone I've spoken too including my instructor thinks I'm thinking about it too much, so when I do it once I lose my ability to drive without thinking about it. I think I'm also putting to much pressure on myself because I no Ideally I have to pass by next month when my CBT runs out and I can no longer drive Dot (my moped) and my theory test is fast approaching
I got told yesterday that the lovely personnel lady at work had spoken to the interviews and got the to interview me Monday instead of the morning of the funeral on Tuesday and the is now no presentation which makes me feel a tiny bit better, not loads but a bit.
Been sleeping on the sofa all week, its just been so hot upstairs I can barely breath let alone sleep, good job my sofa is comfy and it does mean I get puppy dog cuddles, he is uber cute when he's sleepy. He seems to be doing a lot better so hopefully the medicine has done the trick for his tummy, although it was Bella- cat that was up the vets today she has fleas which she's allergic to and they think she has cystitis, thank goodness for pet insurance is all I can say.
I am now doing the only sensible thing - going to have a very cold shower and see if I can cool down enough to sleep tonight.
______________________________________________________
That's my line and I'm moving on! At weigh in yesterday I stayed the same which I am fine with I expected worse. Mr Shrink lost 2lbs but was very disappointed, he expected to lose as much as he had in the last 2 weeks, bless him you can tell he hasn't dieted before. At work in a school he found some old fashion scales and picked up 2lbs and decided he's quite please after all - That does mean he is beating me!!!!!
I have another driving lesson tomorrow morning which I'm dreading, Wednesdays one wasn't as bad as last Saturdays but its still not great and I am getting worse the more I drive. Everyone I've spoken too including my instructor thinks I'm thinking about it too much, so when I do it once I lose my ability to drive without thinking about it. I think I'm also putting to much pressure on myself because I no Ideally I have to pass by next month when my CBT runs out and I can no longer drive Dot (my moped) and my theory test is fast approaching
I got told yesterday that the lovely personnel lady at work had spoken to the interviews and got the to interview me Monday instead of the morning of the funeral on Tuesday and the is now no presentation which makes me feel a tiny bit better, not loads but a bit.
Been sleeping on the sofa all week, its just been so hot upstairs I can barely breath let alone sleep, good job my sofa is comfy and it does mean I get puppy dog cuddles, he is uber cute when he's sleepy. He seems to be doing a lot better so hopefully the medicine has done the trick for his tummy, although it was Bella- cat that was up the vets today she has fleas which she's allergic to and they think she has cystitis, thank goodness for pet insurance is all I can say.
I am now doing the only sensible thing - going to have a very cold shower and see if I can cool down enough to sleep tonight.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Weekly round up
Wednesday
The funeral is booked - for the day of my big interview! I spoke to the vice principle in charge of that area and explained things and he said it shouldn't be a problem to be first in so I'm out in time for the funeral. If they can't change it I'll have to withdraw my application which really sucks.My father in law has asked me to design the order of service for the funeral, no pressure there then, trying to please my lovely but opinionated and perfectionist mother in law, bless her.
Thursday
Nothing exciting happened at work other than it is always to warm in our office, like sauna warm. Before weigh in I made the Nicki Special Sheppards pie this time it had onion, carrot broccali, califlower and celery and I blended it to baby food and then added the mince (there was more puree then mince) and I had to add a fair bit of gravy granules to get rid of the taste. I didn't really like it but I served it with beans and I couldn't really taste it. Put it in the oven and it was ready when we got back from group.
Weigh in was short and sweet, we were planning on staying but we had been moved to a different room with 3 walls of windows, it was a greenhouse and there was no way I was sitting in that for 60 minutes. I'm happy to report a 3lb off this week and not so happy to report that Mr Shrink lost 4.5lbs.
Friday
Was at work before 7am, as I've not been sleeping I decided to go in early which means I was done by 2.30, I spent the rest of the afternoon shopping for clothes for the funeral. I hate shopping at the best of times but trying to find something black and suitable for a funeral in the middle of summer when you can only shop in about 3 places not fun, thankfully Evans to the rescue - found a nice dress, some leggings and some new shoes all of which can be worn for work. Thankfully for my bank balance Mr Shrink paid as I'm sure you no Evans isn't cheap. I then hit the debenhams online sale and found a little black bag and some jewellery.
Spent the evening with my best friend and her husband, they are such fun but we don't see each other very often as life gets in the way. She introduced me to the best cocktails ever - Parrot Bag frozen cocktails they have Daquaris, Pina coladas and a minty one, you freeze them and once they're slushy - jug down so nice but no idea how many syns are in them, lots I imagine. I was naughty though after dinner I had cheese cake and then on the way home I had a Macdonalds.
Saturday
Driving lesson first thing was a disaster - baring in mind in my first 2 4 hours of driving I've stall twice well this one I much have done it about 20 times and Kev was getting a tad frustrated with me. I don't no why I keep doing it, hopefully it was just a funny foot day. The rest of the day was uneventful, planned our meals, did the shopping online, tried to keep to a normal temperature.
Dinner was wedges, beans and fried eggs followed by cookies and sweets. I don't no why I keep doing it, I just feel like I need it which is stupid because I no I don't although this weekend has been the first binge in over 2 weeks and considering they used to be daily i'm not doing too bad in the grand scheme of things.
Sunday
Put the washing on, blitzed the front room (and boy was it messy) hovered downstairs and the stairs. Sorted upstairs, did more washing, hovered upstairs, shopping arrived (all slimming world friendly except a bar of 85% chocolate which is grim but thought might be best to have if i get desperate because I can't eat more then about 3 squares. For tea I made chicken korma and Pilau rice, rice was nice but the vanilla in the coconut muller light made the actual korma weird, not sure I'd have it again to be honest. Tomorrow I'm going to make spag bog for the first time ever, going to be interesting as the only time I have tomato is in lasagne when Its from a jar and smothered in cheese sauce.
I'm now going for a very cold shower to try and cool down.
The funeral is booked - for the day of my big interview! I spoke to the vice principle in charge of that area and explained things and he said it shouldn't be a problem to be first in so I'm out in time for the funeral. If they can't change it I'll have to withdraw my application which really sucks.My father in law has asked me to design the order of service for the funeral, no pressure there then, trying to please my lovely but opinionated and perfectionist mother in law, bless her.
Thursday
Nothing exciting happened at work other than it is always to warm in our office, like sauna warm. Before weigh in I made the Nicki Special Sheppards pie this time it had onion, carrot broccali, califlower and celery and I blended it to baby food and then added the mince (there was more puree then mince) and I had to add a fair bit of gravy granules to get rid of the taste. I didn't really like it but I served it with beans and I couldn't really taste it. Put it in the oven and it was ready when we got back from group.
Weigh in was short and sweet, we were planning on staying but we had been moved to a different room with 3 walls of windows, it was a greenhouse and there was no way I was sitting in that for 60 minutes. I'm happy to report a 3lb off this week and not so happy to report that Mr Shrink lost 4.5lbs.
Friday
Was at work before 7am, as I've not been sleeping I decided to go in early which means I was done by 2.30, I spent the rest of the afternoon shopping for clothes for the funeral. I hate shopping at the best of times but trying to find something black and suitable for a funeral in the middle of summer when you can only shop in about 3 places not fun, thankfully Evans to the rescue - found a nice dress, some leggings and some new shoes all of which can be worn for work. Thankfully for my bank balance Mr Shrink paid as I'm sure you no Evans isn't cheap. I then hit the debenhams online sale and found a little black bag and some jewellery.
Spent the evening with my best friend and her husband, they are such fun but we don't see each other very often as life gets in the way. She introduced me to the best cocktails ever - Parrot Bag frozen cocktails they have Daquaris, Pina coladas and a minty one, you freeze them and once they're slushy - jug down so nice but no idea how many syns are in them, lots I imagine. I was naughty though after dinner I had cheese cake and then on the way home I had a Macdonalds.
Saturday
Driving lesson first thing was a disaster - baring in mind in my first 2 4 hours of driving I've stall twice well this one I much have done it about 20 times and Kev was getting a tad frustrated with me. I don't no why I keep doing it, hopefully it was just a funny foot day. The rest of the day was uneventful, planned our meals, did the shopping online, tried to keep to a normal temperature.
Dinner was wedges, beans and fried eggs followed by cookies and sweets. I don't no why I keep doing it, I just feel like I need it which is stupid because I no I don't although this weekend has been the first binge in over 2 weeks and considering they used to be daily i'm not doing too bad in the grand scheme of things.
Sunday
Put the washing on, blitzed the front room (and boy was it messy) hovered downstairs and the stairs. Sorted upstairs, did more washing, hovered upstairs, shopping arrived (all slimming world friendly except a bar of 85% chocolate which is grim but thought might be best to have if i get desperate because I can't eat more then about 3 squares. For tea I made chicken korma and Pilau rice, rice was nice but the vanilla in the coconut muller light made the actual korma weird, not sure I'd have it again to be honest. Tomorrow I'm going to make spag bog for the first time ever, going to be interesting as the only time I have tomato is in lasagne when Its from a jar and smothered in cheese sauce.
I'm now going for a very cold shower to try and cool down.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
RIP
My grandfather in law died today it wasn't much of shock we'd been told it was coming but you always wondered if he'd manage to pull through, he was such a fighter all his life and probably lived through most things that individually kill a lesser man and he did fight it until the very end. His children, my father in law and Aunt in law) were by his side and really that's the best we could ask for.
I left work straight away to be with the family no matter how much you expect it, its still a shock to be told he's actually gone, Mr Shrink who at the age of 32 hasn't had to deal with much death in his life took it quite badly. I had a few tears but not how I thought I'd be, I thought his death would knock all the barriers down I have built since my own grandmothers death but actually It made it easier to detach myself from it all and support the brothers, well apart from seeing the body - I forced myself to go in because I could here Mr Shrink crying but I wasn't prepared for what I saw, it was not a peaceful death, it will be a long time before I will get that out of my head.
Although the last years were tough for everyone trying to cope with the new (not so nice) person he'd become with he alzheimer's, we loved him and will miss him.
RIP Gramps,
I left work straight away to be with the family no matter how much you expect it, its still a shock to be told he's actually gone, Mr Shrink who at the age of 32 hasn't had to deal with much death in his life took it quite badly. I had a few tears but not how I thought I'd be, I thought his death would knock all the barriers down I have built since my own grandmothers death but actually It made it easier to detach myself from it all and support the brothers, well apart from seeing the body - I forced myself to go in because I could here Mr Shrink crying but I wasn't prepared for what I saw, it was not a peaceful death, it will be a long time before I will get that out of my head.
Although the last years were tough for everyone trying to cope with the new (not so nice) person he'd become with he alzheimer's, we loved him and will miss him.
RIP Gramps,
Sunday, 7 July 2013
Emotional Weekend
Since weigh day all hell has broken loose and I feel like i'm on some kind of emotional roller coaster
Friday - Got to work early and found a letter in the pigeon hole inviting me for an interview for the job I applied for, great news until I read the rest of the letter and promptly burst into tears. For my interview I have to prepare a presentation (subject currently unknown) in front of the head, deputy head, dept manager and maybe someone else and I know most of you will read this and be thinking ....and? For me its my personal hell, despite being coached by a manager in the area and the person i'd be working with I just no that I can't.
This got me thinking how things have changed for me in some ways - a few years ago after I lost my first baby, I had a complete breakdown, I barely left the house, I didn't sleep, I didn't socialise, I was basically a zombie. I don't no what changed but eventually I got a job and began to function again, I have had a few blips and I am still on medication but I'm ok usually. The one thing that never really recovered is my confidence, the ability to talk to people. I think on Monday I will decline the interview but then the thought of staying where I am is just as frightening so still considering options on that one.
On Saturday Mr Shrinks grandfather took a turn for the worse, he has a severe chest infection and they don't expect him to pull through, he's at home but he's confused and delirious.
with everything going on I'm doing my best to cling onto the plan, I've binged on all the hifi bars I had but as there is nothing else in the house thats been it, but I'm so close to going to the shop and buying everything in sight.
Friday - Got to work early and found a letter in the pigeon hole inviting me for an interview for the job I applied for, great news until I read the rest of the letter and promptly burst into tears. For my interview I have to prepare a presentation (subject currently unknown) in front of the head, deputy head, dept manager and maybe someone else and I know most of you will read this and be thinking ....and? For me its my personal hell, despite being coached by a manager in the area and the person i'd be working with I just no that I can't.
This got me thinking how things have changed for me in some ways - a few years ago after I lost my first baby, I had a complete breakdown, I barely left the house, I didn't sleep, I didn't socialise, I was basically a zombie. I don't no what changed but eventually I got a job and began to function again, I have had a few blips and I am still on medication but I'm ok usually. The one thing that never really recovered is my confidence, the ability to talk to people. I think on Monday I will decline the interview but then the thought of staying where I am is just as frightening so still considering options on that one.
On Saturday Mr Shrinks grandfather took a turn for the worse, he has a severe chest infection and they don't expect him to pull through, he's at home but he's confused and delirious.
with everything going on I'm doing my best to cling onto the plan, I've binged on all the hifi bars I had but as there is nothing else in the house thats been it, but I'm so close to going to the shop and buying everything in sight.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
Weigh Day One
I like to be able to say I'm feeling better then a few days ago but I'm not, not yet anyway.
I have been 100% this week and that is the first time I've stuck to a plan for so long, I've avoided BBQ's, slushies, buffets and booze at work (end of term for most people) I've been to the shops and come away with nothing but fruit, I've bought fizzy and only had diet. These are little accomplishments but ones that I've not managed for a year probably more. I don't feel its been particularly hard this week its just required a bit of forward thinking which is much easier with Mr Shrink on board.
We decided today we would go to the early group and not stay because we're both shattered and I have a disgusting headache that I've had all day and just won't shift. So Mr Shrink lost 6lbs which is amazing and although he's not been 100% he's trying very hard. I lost
How amazing is that. My consultant saw my certificate as I went to leave and she was talking to a fairly big lady, who had never done slimming world before and like me isn't a fan of veggies. I assured her I stuck to fruit that I liked and wasn't hungry once this week. We were naughty and had a chinese for tea but I stuck to chow mein so all good.
I've got nothing much on the cards between now and next weigh day so hoping for another cracking week.
I have been 100% this week and that is the first time I've stuck to a plan for so long, I've avoided BBQ's, slushies, buffets and booze at work (end of term for most people) I've been to the shops and come away with nothing but fruit, I've bought fizzy and only had diet. These are little accomplishments but ones that I've not managed for a year probably more. I don't feel its been particularly hard this week its just required a bit of forward thinking which is much easier with Mr Shrink on board.
We decided today we would go to the early group and not stay because we're both shattered and I have a disgusting headache that I've had all day and just won't shift. So Mr Shrink lost 6lbs which is amazing and although he's not been 100% he's trying very hard. I lost
8LBS
How amazing is that. My consultant saw my certificate as I went to leave and she was talking to a fairly big lady, who had never done slimming world before and like me isn't a fan of veggies. I assured her I stuck to fruit that I liked and wasn't hungry once this week. We were naughty and had a chinese for tea but I stuck to chow mein so all good.
I've got nothing much on the cards between now and next weigh day so hoping for another cracking week.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Pile it on!
It's only Tuesday and It's already a bad week with no indication of getting any better, so far it has been shitty literally and figuratively, doggy is poorly again
so that was grim and the vets didn't have any of his medicine in stock
so we have to wait a few days before we can start him on that.
Diet wise I'm still on plan, I didn't get home until 6.30pm yesterday so Mr Shrink suggested a takeaway as I'm well below my syns for the week and had chicken chow mein and sweet and sour chicken and although I did go over my syns for the day (but not for the week) and I don't feel like I cheated because I didn't.
One good thing that happened yesterday is that I had my very first driving lesson yesterday and I was super nervous but actually it went great I drove for well over an hour and only stalled once, didn't crash and didn't injure anyone so i'm counting that as a win, next one is next week and then I'm hoping to step it up as I need to pass in the next 2 months before my CBT for the moped runs out.
I don't feel great in myself work is getting me down, life is getting me down, just want to go to sleep for a long time.
Diet wise I'm still on plan, I didn't get home until 6.30pm yesterday so Mr Shrink suggested a takeaway as I'm well below my syns for the week and had chicken chow mein and sweet and sour chicken and although I did go over my syns for the day (but not for the week) and I don't feel like I cheated because I didn't.
One good thing that happened yesterday is that I had my very first driving lesson yesterday and I was super nervous but actually it went great I drove for well over an hour and only stalled once, didn't crash and didn't injure anyone so i'm counting that as a win, next one is next week and then I'm hoping to step it up as I need to pass in the next 2 months before my CBT for the moped runs out.
I don't feel great in myself work is getting me down, life is getting me down, just want to go to sleep for a long time.
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