No Good Reason

I wish I could say there was a good reason to be away for so long and I wish I could tell you I was still on plan and finally finding some success. I did last about 5 days on my last attempt at slim & save before having a mini meltdown about something (can't remember what) I didn't get out of bed for a few days and was really down again, thought I might be having another breakdown of sorts but I did go back to work without taking any sick leave and I am feeling better, I'll be honest and say I am still struggling with day to day stuff.

That being said I have had some positives in the last few weeks, I have booked a flight to go see my parents next year. We went this time last year and I had to have 2 seats but this time I only have 1 seat booked. I worked out with a friend at work that if I lost lb a week until then I would be the same size she was when she went last year and she only had one seat too.

I have invested in this

it's a fitbit flex a rather niffy bit of kit, its a pedometer but a posh one that tracks all movement and sleep. I did have an older model and it really did make me move more so as it's broken I decided to treat myself. It also links with myfitnesspal, so I'm kind of thinking that for a while I will just calorie count or attempt to at least.

I also have another motivational treat coming but i'll show you that when it arrives.

Day 2 -1st NSV

My 2nd day has been ok, well apart from a killer carb/caffeine withdrawal headache! 

I was feeling really hungry in the day so had some steamed chicken and only 3 shakes throughout the day! It obviously worked! This evening we spent the night with friends, usually a dinner and movie affair but I asked if I could skip dinner because of the diet, so they had nibbles during the movie! Doritos, crisps, dips and sweets all the stuff I love but actually I wasn't that tempted by it, I mean it smelt nice but I've tried really hard the last 2 days and I didn't want to ruin it, I guess that's my first non scale victory!

Day 1

I survived day 1 by the skin of my teeth.
 I caught myself trying to justifying to my husband why I couldn't do it and why we should do something else together, but then I realised this is the same pattern I always get into and the pattern I need to break. I didn't give up partly because I really do want to do this but mostly because there was nothing I could eat that wouldn't cause side affects from the Orlistat I started taking today. For anyone who doesn't know Orlistat is a weight loss drug which inhibits the bodys ability to absorb fat, it has some rather nasty (and messy) side affects if you eat too much fat whilst taking them. I decided to take it as a deterrent for cheating without thinking and it obviously works buuuuuuut what I didn't realise until I'd taken 4 of my 6 daily pills that my shakes have too much fat in. Other than a few stomach cramps I haven't had any of the dreaded side affects (touch wood). I don't want to stop taking them as they may just keep me on track but I don't want the side affects so I might try taking 1 pill instead of 2 and see how that goes.

After a few recommendations and a lot of very good reviews I downloaded a new book

I've not read very much of it yet but so far I have found a lot that related to me and my history of dieting so I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Enough is Enough

I have been procrastinating starting my diet, not on purpose but you make plans for dinner with someone and I'll think 'I'll start the day after' then you realise something else is coming up so I'll wait till after that and then it's 3 weeks later and I've gotten nowhere.

So yesterday I decided enough is enough and I was starting tomorrow, a quick message to my friend to change dinner plans on Saturday to a movie night, went to bed with water instead of juice, bottles washed ready for tomorrow (well today as its 3am)

My first target to aim for is a family wedding in the middle of May which is 7 weeks away, I don't really know what a realistic target is on a VLCD but I'm hoping to be about 3 stone lighter. My overall goal is to be near target when my mum comes over to visit, it will be the first time i've seen her (in the flesh) in almost 2 years. I know she desperately wants me to lose weight and i'd like to make her proud for once in my life, we'll see that is a long time to set for a girl who can't stick to a diet for more than a few weeks.

I am going into this with a slightly different head though, after speaking my friend Shrinking Alice, she said something that really struck a chord with me, she is on Cambridge and doing amazingly well and so far lost well over 6 stone. She said she's treating food like an Alcoholic would treat alcohol and really that's what I'm going to do, I need to learn that I control the food not the other way round but that's going to be a long, tough lesson to learn.

This Is Me

This is me exactly 11 months ago, give or take a few hours. Don't look very impressed Do I? This was taken abroad on my first holiday as an adult, visiting my parents who emigrated a few years ago - It was awful. 4 hours on a plane, in 2 seat where you can't lean back because of the arm rests, staying half way up a mountain in the middle of no where, the heat, parents being parents and the fact I hate being around people all made for a pretty miserable time, I was very glad to go home! I was about 23 and  a half stone and I vowed that I would finally stick to a diet and make some real changes.

I'd like to say that I succeeded in my mission but the only thing I managed was to gain a bit more weight!

Here's the thing, I know how to lose weight - eat less, move more. My problem is my head, I'm basically addicted to the junk food, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, food is my vice and It's killing me, literally.

In the last few years the only diet I've had any success with was Cambridge Diet, I lost 18lbs in a few weeks, I have to give it up because it was getting too expensive. I've found online alternatives which work out cheaper and I want to give it a try. Maybe getting away from food is the best option for me.

Secret's Out

There is nothing like moving home to stress you out and shatter all illusions you and your family had about you. Moving house is never the easiest thing in the world but when you can't actually do anything and you should be able to well that's a whole other level. I am suprised just how little I could do, I struggle walking from one end of the house to the bathroom at the other and sadly I do not live in a massive mansion, just a run of the mill terraced house. The in laws were around for the move (they live a few doors down) and having spent a few days with them in and around my house they are obviously now very aware of just how little I can do now. Last night I had a bit of a emotional breakdown after I couldn't get up of the sofa, I don't want to be like this anymore but I actually don't know what I have to do. I always say I have tried every diet under the sun but honestly have I actually given every single one of them my all? No, I've have with slimming world and Cambridge but not more then a few weeks and I think when I was about 16 my mum made me join weight watchers which I did for a while but I don't think I've ever lost more than 2 stone on a diet and obviously from the state I'm in I've never kept it off.

My problem and I guess this is somewhat of a confession, when I'm not 'dieting' all we have is takeaways and ready meals, we don't cook from scratch, we don't plan, everything we eat is processed. I want to learn how to make my own food, not necessarily all healthy but fresh. I want to bake my own bread and cakes, maybe eating my own cookies will be more of a comfort then eating a packet of mass produced crap.  Maybe this plan with a few days a week fasting is the way for me, I'm not sure I'll lose much weight but hopefully I won't gain more.

Today was moving day and we are in our new home.
I imagine it was a pretty stress free move compared to others as we moved just a stones throw away, no need for trucks or vans just a bit of muscle and we've had access to the new house for months so its pretty much decorated completely and we have a few weeks before we give the other place back so have some time to sort that.

  Today has proved a few things though I am

Beginning at Rock Bottom

I really don't know where to start with this blog.
I wanted to document my journey from rock bottom upwards but if history is anything to go by It will just document me trying a failing diet after diet only getting bigger and bigger.
 There is a slight difference this time around and that is my health, I am losing the ability to walk, my legs struggle to support my 25stone mass. If that wasn't bad enough my chronic asthma is so bad now that I use my reliever at least once an hour because any movement makes breathing difficult. I have suffered with depression since childhood and have suffered 3 pretty significant breakdowns in the last decade, so yeah I'm not in the greatest of places right now.

 I do want to change things though, I don't enjoy being fat, I don't enjoy being miserable. The only diet I've had any success with in recent years was cambridge diet, I lasted 3 weeks and lost 18lbs but something happened in my personal life and I turned to food as comfort. I don't think I will be able to do cambridge again but I might look into some other VLCD's

My Reasons

I found this on an old memory stick and I wrote these back in Oct 2011- I'm about 2 stone heavier now

My Reasons

1.    To have a baby

2.    Have a non-judgemental pregnancy

3.    Have a homebirth

4.    Need maternity clothes

5.    Have a proper baby bump

6.    To  make Steve proud

7.    To make mum proud

8.    To make Graham proud

9.    To make Mark proud

10. Be healthy

11. Improve asthma

12. Improve depression

13. Improve anxiety

14. Not have doctors assume everything is weight related

15. No more chaffing

16. Not get cramp in hips/legs when sitting

17. Enjoy and want to exercise

18. Exercise with ease

19. Not be scared of swimming pools

20. Be confident

21. Walk with head up, not looking at floor

22. Not feel judged when eating out/buying food

23. Not avoid photos

24. Wear nice clothes

25. Not be stared at

26. Not be the fat friend

27. Not be the fattest at work

28. Fit in a plane seat

29. Go on a holiday and be comfortable

30. Not feel hot all the time

31. Buy from any shop on the high street

32. Not avoid mirrors

33. Look attractive to hubby

34. Buy nice underwear and feel comfy wearing it

35. Go out in summer

36. Feel like I matter in the world

37. Be social, make more friends

38. Say yes to social invites without worrying

39. Go to a theme park and fit on the rides

40. Be content with myself

41. To succeed at something

42. Be able to cross legs (lady like)

43. Not to hate self

44. Enjoy clothes shopping

45. Be carried in an emergency

46. To finish something I started

47. Fit through turnstiles straight on

48. Walk past people without worrying about getting comments

49. Not hate being naked

50. Not to feel gross during sex

51. Be able to stand at event

52. Not feel like I’m blocking people’s views

53. Be able to sit in theatre seats

54. Be able to walk long distances without needing to stop

55. Not have to walk sideways down train aisle

56. See my feet

57. Not have saggy boobs

58. Find bras that fit comfortably

59. Not have to worry about weight limits for things

60. Not feel wedged into a toilet cubicle

61. Not have people embarrassed to be with you

62. Not take fat jokes/comments personally

63. Not have inside of trousers wear away

64. Not be mortified to see people from school

65. Get out of car in tight parking spaces

66. Not worry about seatbelts fitting

67. Not wear same 2 jeans/5 tops/1 work trousers

68. Not bursting into tears when going out because nothing looks nice

69. Wear heels

70. Wear boots

71. Have a bath without getting stuck

72. Be adventurous in the bedroom

73. Prove haters wrong

74. Be able to sit on floor and not worry about getting up

75. Feel pretty enough to wear jewellery

76. Feel pretty enough to wear makeup

77. Feel pretty enough to have hair done

78. Like my reflection

79. Not being able to blame everything on my weight

80. Not wanting to be a recluse when things go bad

81. Find out what figure I have

82. For people to think of an insult that’s not ‘fat’

83. Not feel like life is on hold

84. Go for beauty treatments

85. Not to have to think ‘ I should be dieting’

86. Care how I look, without thinking what’s the point

87. To be able to go horse riding with friends

88. Have a healthy relationship with food

89. Not have to use bath sheets but towels

90. Have energy

91. Not feel broken

92. To believe compliments

93. Not to have stretched pores/follicles

94. Be able to love myself

95. Sit on Steve’s lap without hurting him

96. For Steve to carry me over thresh hold once

97. Weigh less than Steve

98. Steve be proud to introduce me to people

99. To have professional pictures taken to replace fat wedding pictures

100.              To feel normal